|
last_post_and_chorus
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Shelby
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, Theatre, Hot Rodding, Mini Trucks, new and mystical forms of ethanol, untouched nature, fresh powder on a mountain slope
Expertise: Living to no standards, and looking good doing it
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
AIM:  drummerpunx84
MSN: Explodicus
Member Since:
8/25/2006
|
|
| How do you pause life? How do you restart your current mission? Can you go back and choose a different option and see if that unlocks different paths? No...no you cant. You have to carefully plan out eact strategy and execute it perfectly. If you get caught up in the heat of the battle and choose the wrong command...you're screwed. No turning back. No GAME OVER and starting back at the last save point.
How do you take back things that you say? When they are how you feel? What do you do when you know its not really you thats feeling that way? What do you do when you realize that youve become something you never wanted to be? What do you do when it comes back the second time?
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This may be news to you, perhaps it explains things, but it surely isn't anything new to me. Basically, my stress stacks exponentially. The more time I'm exposed to more stress, the farther down a spiral I go. Most of you know me; know me for who I truly am. And with that, most of you know that who I have been for the past month or so, IS NOT ME. I'm not the irratable, scowling, introvert that I appear to be right now. I am the empathetic, smiling, outgoing guy who makes sure everything is cool. Not lately though. I've been picking my fights. I cant listen to others anymore. When tension arrises, I say screw it and walk away. Even now, I should be in class, but, for reasons that are curious to me, I am infuriated to the point that I know there is no point in me even trying to pay attention in class. Back to the Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This has happened before. I shut out everyone and everything. I tried avoiding stress in order to overcome it. Bad call. As my anxiety got worse and worse, the doctors put me on meds. While on these meds, I became so apathetic that I successfully gained a 0.0 for an entire semester of 7 upper-level Chemistry, Physics, Engineering, and Math courses. And I didnt care. (Not in the current "emo" definition of "I dont give a rats ass,"
but rather in the "meh...failing happens, at least I got to sleep in" sort of way) After that, I forced myself to get off the meds and recover myself to the chill guy most of you know. Even happened to snag a good girlfriend in the end. But now...its back, and its not pulling punches. I thought that getting through SECAF would lighten my load. Well its over and I'm still edgy as ever. And now, its spilling over to that girlfriend I snagged. We are constantly at each other's throats. We argue. We yell. We bitch. We dont communicate. And I HATE it. The last thing I want to do is lose her, but evidentally, I treat her like shit. Apparently I'm condecending. I make her feel guilty. Even as she reads this she is probably feeling like its her fault this is happening. ITS NOT! Like I said; anxiety disorder. It goes deeper even than what Ive explained here. The point I'm trying to make is its back, and I'm scared. Very scared. Now the world knows.
How do you take back things that you say?
What do you do when you realize that youve become something you never
wanted to be? What do you do when it comes back the second time?
If anyone has insight, please, for the love of whatever it is you hold holy, post something.
d
| | |
| Fine. I give up. I need help.
" 'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
'Til it was too late, and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on my chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin? "
There are reasons I say:
peace
d
| | |
| This is it. I have a four o' clock date with a needle. Last weekend, I met with Christopher Simms, owner of Clan of the Red Claw Tattoos in Hattisburg. We talked and he offered to draw up a custom tattoo for me. Yesterday, I talked to him again and he told me that he'd have it ready today. By the end of the day, I'll have a peice of art (roughly the size of that mouse pad next to you) gracing my dorsal side. Am I nervous? a little. Am I psyched? a lot. Why now? In the immortal words of Jonathan Larson:
No day but today
And mom, I'm sorry if this is how you're finding out about this. I still love you.
| | |
| I woke up at 2:30 this morning and was completely refreshed after going to bed at 1:00. I then fall asleep (forcibly) until 7:00 when my alarm goes off. I promptly fall asleep until 7:30, get up finally and am dead tired. Why? Becuse my body hates me, thats why. I quit smoking (pretty much, except for extemely stressful situations) I'm cutting back on the booze. Yes, I do freely admit that I have a problem with the booze. Sometime I want it so bad that I'll scrounge up my pocket change in hopes that I have $1.08 to get a bloody 32 oz. of King Cobra. Back to my point. I'm cutting down on the booze. I'm trying to eat right, though sometime that does falter. I have taken after the example of a friend and am not drinking carbonated beverages. I do, however, reserve for myself Caffeine for the time being. When I first arrived at College a mere four years ago, I had quite the addiction to Caffeine. That became so bad that, to go to sleep at night, I would have to chug a can of CocaCola just to keep the headache away long enough for me to pass out. Again, I digress. Im trying to do what is right for my body. I feel like one of those girls I would make fun of in high school. Complaing that they were fat because they had a 2% gain to their weight, bringing them to a whopping 102 pounds. Yet here I am, every morning looking at my stomach thinking to myself, "dude, youre getting fat!" Heres the kicker: it is true that I have gotten a slightly rotund belly due to the copious amounts malted ale that I have ingested over the past few years. However, I havent really gained any weight. I am, marginally, still the same weight as I was 4 years ago (give a few pounds to a years worth of futbol) All that has, over time, diminished from steel abs and cut arms/legs to, well lets call it what it is, a beer-belly. Now, I want to do something about it and as I try, my body is giving me the perverbial finger. I realize that this can be due to perhaps a simple lack of motivation (laziness). Or even just the wrong diet. Nonetheless, I have good influences around me and I just need to get off my arse and start working.
So, yeah, there ya go.
Peace
| | |
|
